Date: 2008-06-11 23:35 Subject: FFVII Fic: Dragon Hunt (1/1) PG13 Security: Public Mood: silly Tags: crack!fic, fandom: ffvii, fic, sephiroth, zack

Title: Dragon Hunt
Author: SkyFire (rabid_plotbunny)

Rating: PG13 for... er... fluids.
Summary: On a dragon hunt in the Nibel Mts., Sephiroth and Zack get a little more than they bargained for.
Genre: Angst(ickyyyyy!)/humor
Warnings: crack!fic, icky!fluids. Biohazard suit recommended. XP
Length: 1153 words

Notes: Written for lj's x_cybergoth_x, who said, and I quote: “...NOTHING can squick me...” ...Like I could pass that one up! XD Anyways, this is my attempt at squicky grossness, and I think it came out rather well, if a bit fluffier than anticipated. XP

Disclaimer: Seph and Zack and FFVII belong to some huge company, but does anyone want to buy one slightly used dragon, cheap? ;P


SOLDIER-General Sephiroth and SOLDIER-First Zack Fair crept cautiously along the craggy mountain trail in the Nibel Mountains, accompanied by a squad of grunts they had been ordered to bring along as backup. Exactly how a bunch of unmodified soldiers were supposed to be able to help if the two SOLDIERs were overwhelmed was something that never had been explained.

There had been reports of dragon sightings too close to the tiny village of Nibelheim for comfort and they had been dispatched to deal with the problem. Why exactly it was that they were the ones sent when there were plenty of other perfectly qualified men more than eager to do so was a question that would bear looking in to.

After they dealt with the dragon and got back to Midgar and out of the far-too-early Nibel wintry cold.

Up ahead, Sephiroth froze in place, then turned to gesture Zack to his side.

Leaving the grunts behind with orders to keep quiet and still, Zack moved quietly up the trail to where Sephiroth was now crouched behind a convenient boulder, peeking cautiously around the side at something further on. A heavy scraping against stone, accompanied by a rhythmic, yet somewhat gurgling sound, like a huge bellows being slowly pumped partially underwater told the spiky-haired brunet that they had found their dragon.

Or a dragon, at any rate.

Sephiroth took a last glance at the beast, then turned to Zack. “You've hunted dragons before?” he said quietly, more of a statement of fact than an actual question.

“Oooh, yeah,” Zack confirmed, equally quietly, re-checking his equipped Materia and weapons. He nodded, satisfied, then looked back to Sephiroth. “I'm ready when you are. So what's the plan?”

Sephiroth gave a tiny, barely-noticeable grin, blue-green eyes glinting mischievously even as he drew the Masamune. “Run around to the other side and kill the dragon.”

“Slay,” Zack corrected, taking up his own sword.

“Hmm?” Puzzlement.

“You don't kill a dragon,” Zack said. “You slay it.”

Sephiroth barely suppressed the urge to roll his eyes. Like it mattered. Killed or slain, dead was dead was dead. And the dragon was going to be dead. However. “Are you ready?”

Zack nodded, eyes alight. “Let's go!”

Sephiroth nodded. Then he stood and charged around the boulder and down the trail's slight slope towards the dragon, Zack hot on his heels.

An enormous scaly head lifted, turned to look in their direction. There was something odd, yet somehow sinkingly familiar about the way its eyes were narrowed, the way it kept breathing in in short, convulsive gasps.

Then the head lurched forward with blinding speed and even enhanced as they were they could not evade it.

For a long time after the explosive blast, there was silence in the little valley, disturbed only by the echoes bouncing on in the distance.

Then there was a hard sucking sound, followed by a soggy-sounding thud-squish as Zack managed to work himself off of the rock wall he'd been practically glued to. Another obscene sucking and squishing sound and then Sephiroth was free as well. Both men just stood there for a long moment, blinking in shock, unable to think far enough to retrieve their weapons from where they were similarly stuck. Then again, retrieving their weaponry would involve sticking their hands almost to the elbow back into that.

Even Sephiroth was considering abandoning his beloved Masamune instead.

“Se- Oh yearch! id's in by bouth! Gleah! Pfft! Pfffffft!”

Sephiroth blinked at the sight of Zack coughing and spitting, then reached up to claw as much of the ooze off his own face before even trying to speak. He was already covered and standing knee-deep in the stuff, there was no way he was getting it in his mouth.

He had no desire whatsoever to learn what sick-dragon mucus tasted like. Being bathed in the slimy, clinging stuff was bad enough! And slime-green was not his best color, even coated in a good four-to-six inches of it. It was then that he first truly regretted his typical shirtless outfit; the stuff was plastered like glue to his bare skin, and he could feel it slowly sliding down under his belts and past his waistband, a glob finding its way down his collar to slide down the back of his neck and on down his back.

Zack was in no better shape, was arguably worse, just because he'd had the misfortune to open his mouth before thinking.

At last, both having scraped off as much of the clinging gunk as they could, they regrouped a little away from the scene of their undignified assault, staring at the dragon who had curled back up into a miserable, wheezing ball.

“Guess it wasn't going after anybody,” Zack said. “It probably just couldn't move enough to get away from whoever was coming up the trail.”

“Hmm,” Sephiroth agreed. He was still upset over the impromptu dragon-snot bath, but anyone could see that it had been an involuntary action on the dragon's part; its eyes too sick-glazed and swollen to see much of anything, let alone aim. “Even so, we can't just leave it here. We were sent to eliminate the dragon problem.”

“To get rid of it, right?” Zack said. He held up a glowing ball of Materia. “What if we use this?”

“Healing Materia? Are you out of your mind?”

“Hey, I'll bet the dragon doesn't want to be here any more than anyone else wants it to be here. Maybe if we heal it up, it will just fly away. And if it doesn't, well, we can just slay it like we were going to before, only without the explosive snot attack.”

A moment to think it over, then Sephiroth nodded. “Do it,” he said, readying his own Materia since Masamune was still snotted to the rock face along with Zack's blade.

***

The squad of grunts looked up as Sephiroth and Zack came back around the boulder, and stared. Both were shiny with a greenish coating of... something, and their hair hung in ratty clumps. They were carrying their weapons, which had somehow been frozen into oblong chunks of sickly green ice.

But for all they looked terrible, that wasn't even the worst part.

Sephiroth and Zack stared as almost as a group the grunts went green, tossing aside helmets in their mass rush to the bushes to throw up, pinching their noses in distress, eyes watering, tears streaming down their faces.

Zack looked to Sephiroth, sniffing. “I don't smell anything,” he said, frowning. “Do you smell anything?”

Sephiroth shook his head. “No,” was all he said, and started on down the trail back towards base camp, Zack following quickly.

The grunts, on the other hand, stayed well away from the duo until after they'd both gotten a bath.

END


So... thoughts? *hides*